


Bi-ased Detective

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, Hurt/Comfort, canon level reference to rape, i hope it doesn't seem OOC, i really didn't mean for sonny to swear so much but it felt natural???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-25 20:56:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12541044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: “Sonny, we need to discuss this.”An iPad was shoved in his face, then, and once his eyes adjusted to the blur of light and words, he made out the headline:"Bi-ased Detective"And underneath it, his girlfriends name.He hands were shaking a little as he took the iPad from Rafael’s hands, his heart pounding as he tried to read.





	Bi-ased Detective

**Author's Note:**

> First and foremost, I wanna say this was prompted by linzclair219/barisi-is-bae's post here:  
> https://barisi-is-bae.tumblr.com/post/166882504354/ghostofachancewithyou-law-order-svu
> 
> I'm KINDA worried that someone else will have already written something similar to this, but... I just couldn't get it out of my head after that deleted scene + the Barisi related comments, y'know?
> 
> Also, I know, I know, the article is very poorly written because hey, I'm not a journalist, I don't know how to write an article. I don't read many newspaper articles, especially not the sort of trash that this was trying to emulate. Think Daily Mail-esque trash and that's what I was going for. All gossip and lies etc. Including the horrible pun headline. I'm ashamed that I even thought of that tbh.

“Detective, a word?”

 

Sonny heaved an over-dramatic sigh and turned pointedly to look at Rafael. He was tired. In fact, he was exhausted. This case was tough, things with his girlfriend were tough, and despite trying so damn hard to move on, things with Rafael were still tough.

 

“Look, Barba, I don’t have time right now, okay?”

 

Just as Sonny was about to step towards the door of the precinct and off the sidewalk, a firm hand gripped his shoulder.

 

“Sonny,” and Christ, it wasn’t fair that Rafael saying his first name still went straight to his gut - he never quite got over how his name sounded on the other mans lips. “We need to discuss this.”

 

An iPad was shoved in his face, then, and once his eyes adjusted to the blur of light and words, he made out the headline:

 

> **_Bi-ased Detective_ **

 

And underneath it, his girlfriends name.

 

He hands were shaking a little as he took the iPad from Rafael’s hands, his heart pounding as he tried to read.

 

> _The public are outraged to learn that suspect Adam Klines has been let go after being arrested in relation to the brutal rape and murder of Justin Hall just over a week ago. And so they should be, considering the bias within Manhattan’s SVU department._
> 
>  
> 
> _An inside source has told me that Detective Dominick Carisi Jr of the NYPD is the reason Adam Klines was released without charge. Even further than that, he took it upon himself to find Adam adequate legal representation. What’s more worrying is his Lieutenant backing him up, despite his obvious bias towards the suspect._
> 
>  
> 
> _With Detective Carisi barely out of the closet himself, it’s no surprise he feels some sort of kinship with the suspect. Given his past with prominent ADA Rafael Barba, their stories are almost alarmingly similar._
> 
>  
> 
> _Just at the end of last year, the Detective and the ADA’s relationship ended in a nasty fight that Detective Carisi never quite got over. From what we’ve seen of ADA Barba in his job, with his harsh words and disregard for emotions during his cutting cross-examinations, it’s no surprise to find he’s much the same in a relationship, either, with his disregard for emotions ending in heartbreak for the sometimes too-forgiving Detective._
> 
>  
> 
> _“I don’t care what kind of heartbreak Detective Carisi may or may not have suffered. That doesn’t excuse the suspects behavior. And what’s worrying is he seems to think it does,” says a source close to Manhattan SVU._
> 
>  
> 
> _“Their stories are eerily similar,” says another source. “I think we should be worried for that lawyer’s safety.”_

 

The article continued for several more paragraphs, but Sonny could barely breathe. He was trying. He really was. But it just kept coming in short, shuddering gasps that didn’t seem to fill his lungs. He let himself be lead wordlessly all the way to a booth at the back of the cafe down the road, his hands still holding the iPad in a death grip.

 

A coffee and a glass of water were both placed in front of him before warm hands came to rest on top of his own.

 

“Sonny, you need to breathe,” Rafael’s voice sounded in his ear as his fingers gently pried Sonny’s own from the device. “We’ll sort this out.”

 

Sonny felt himself laugh. This hysterical little noise that bubbled up inside him and expelled itself against his will. Halfway through, it turned to a sob, and he groaned, resting his head in his hands.

 

“My family doesn’t… The squad… I can’t…” He couldn’t even get a full sentence out, his breath still too tight in his chest to be of any help.

 

“Sonny, look at me.” Sonny complied, as always. “Who is this woman?” He sounded so soft, so gentle, but Sonny could see the anger blazing in his eyes. He never could hide his emotions - not really, not from Sonny.

 

“My girlfriend,” he laughed humorlessly. “Ex girlfriend, I think, once I’ve had a word with her.”

 

His hands were still shaking as he took a sip of coffee, and Rafael took both his hands in his when he was done.

 

“The parts about us…” Rafael trailed off before dropping Sonny’s hands again to cradle his own coffee in his hands. “Is that what you think of me?”

 

“Seriously?” Sonny’s voice was pitched higher than he intended, anger taking over. “I just got a nice, big, career-ending write-up in a prominent newspaper and all you can worry about is what I think about you?”

 

Rafael opened his mouth to speak, but nothing seemed to come out. He just gaped at Sonny. Which Sonny would have revelled in - he rarely made Rafael speechless - but he was too angry for that.

 

“I’ve gotta go into work and explain to the people I’m closest to that I didn’t just let Adam off the hook because we’re both closeted bi’s who got our hearts broken by the first man we let in. I’ve gotta go to my parents and explain to them why they had to hear about my relationship with a man from a damn newspaper article and not from their own son’s mouth. 1PP will want to investigate. All decisions I’ve ever made independently will come into question. My personal life will be under scrutiny.

 

“Not to mention everything I tried to avoid by keeping our relationship a secret will come down on me so much fucking harder than if I’d just been honest in the first place. Snide remarks from fellow officers. Homophobic notes. Dirty looks and loud comments in every cop bar in New York fucking City. Only worse, because they’ll think my queerness means I let other queers off the hook.

 

“Even the ones who would have kept to themselves, who wouldn’t care about my sexuality, will have, at the very least, a dirty look to throw my way. And worse? The ones that could have felt emboldened by my being out will now feel more ashamed than ever. Do you know how much of a step back this is for all queer cops? They’re gonna be doubly scared, now.”

 

He was breathing heavily, face flushed and fists clenched as he faced Rafael. He could feel all eyes in the cafe on him. The booth was too tight, Rafael was too close, the cafe was too small and too crowded, and he couldn’t breathe.

 

He pushed Rafael up and out of the booth and escaped into the not-so-fresh air, ducking into the alleyway two stores down to lean against the wall and try to breathe.

 

Rafael joined him at some point, standing a small distance away, though holding his hand, rubbing soothing circles on his skin with his thumb.

 

“Fuck,” he half sobbed, taking a deep breath in and holding it, before letting it out shakily. “Fuck.”

 

Rafael moved a little closer, still holding Sonny’s hand in his own. He seemed unsure of what to do, or what to say, and for the first time that day Sonny felt himself smile, if only a little. It was short lived, however, when he heard a police siren a couple streets over and was reminded of what he had to face.

 

“I can’t do this,” he whispered, looking at Rafael almost pleadingly.

 

“So don’t,” Rafael said quietly, moving so their faces were only inches apart. “We can both deny this. You explain that this is your girlfriend’s disgusting form of revenge, and I can back up your lie. You say the words, and we were never in a relationship.”

 

“You think I want that?”

 

“Haven’t you always?”

 

Sonny was shocked by how sad Rafael sounded. And he was shocked by how much that sounded like the truth. And yet it didn’t _feel_ like the truth. He’d wanted Rafael since the day he met him, all sharp suits and even sharper words. And once he had him, he’d been too scared, too ashamed of who and what he was, to show him off. He’d spent so long trying to fight the part of him that liked men, and being with a man hadn’t changed that. But the whole time, all he’d wanted was the strength to openly be with the man he loved. The man he _loves_.

 

“I never wanted to hide you, Rafi. I wanted to hide myself.”

 

“That-”

 

“I know that doesn’t make sense. And it doesn’t make it right. But it’s true.” Sonny took Rafael’s other hand in his as he spoke, turning fully to face him. “I was so proud to be loved by you. I was so proud to be yours. But I was ashamed to love you, and I was ashamed to call you mine.”

 

Rafael smiled sadly at him. Sonny could see his eyes were red rimmed, and he hated being the cause of that seldom-displayed emotion on the other man’s face.

 

“This,” he gestured between them,” Is all my fault. All of it. The article, us, all-”

 

“The article is not your fault. She shouldn’t have-”

 

“Rafael, she wrote the article because I hurt her. It doesn’t make it right, but it makes it understandable. She wrote the article because…” He swallowed thickly, ducking his head as he gave Rafael’s hands a squeeze. “Because I still love you. I probably always will.”

 

“Sonny-”

 

“No, I know, I fucked it up. I said some horrible things. Out of fear, out of frustration, I don’t know. I hurt you, and I’m sorry. And I’ve hurt you again. She had no right to publish things I’d said to her in private. Things I said out of anger and frustration. I tried to rationalise and I…”

 

He broke off, sighing shakily before meeting Rafael’s eyes.

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t think I ever said that before. But I’m sorry.”

 

Rafael contemplated him for a moment, eyes searching his face. Whatever he found made him smile, just a little, and for a moment Sonny thought Rafael was going to kiss him. He almost wished he would.

 

“What are you going to do?” Rafael asked quietly.

 

“Tell the truth.”

 

He let out a shaky breath, the thought of it filling him with a new wave of panic. But he knew it was what he had to do. He had to set all of this right. Lying would only get him in more trouble, at this point.

 

“I’ll come with you.”

 

They held hands until they got to the precinct, and despite everything, Sonny felt like a piece of himself had been put back in place. Whatever happened to his career and to this case, he had no plans on letting Rafael go again. He knew it would take some work, but he was willing to try. Because Rafael Barba was the best damn thing that ever happened to him, and he was an idiot to let him go.

**Author's Note:**

> un-beta'd so point out any mistakes/inconsistencies you see :)
> 
> Also I just wanna add... I’ve never felt conflicted about my sexuality (not like this anyway) so I’m not writing from first hand experience here. So I’m sorry if I got anything wrong or you feel it was poorly portrayed.  
> But I’ve seen so many of my friends get hurt in situations like this, being with someone who can’t admit their sexuality to the point where they say awful things to the person they’re with, and say awful things about that person to other people, so it kinda stemmed from that a little, I guess.


End file.
